Butterfly
by 67OtakuGirl24X3
Summary: As seen on my AO3: Sometimes the most cheerful of people can be hiding the darkest of secrets.


"Reiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

 _Oh, no._ As usual, Rei stood at the bus stop, a book in his hand, early in the morning. And, as usual, he froze at the sound of such a familiar voice calling out his name quite obnoxiously. He did not glance up from his book; he always clung to the hope that if he ignored him, he would go away.

But of course, that was never how it worked with Nagisa Hazuki. "Rei-chan! Good morning!" Nagisa squealed, rocking back and forth on his heels.

 _Ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him._ Rei continued to read. This earned a pout from Nagisa.

"What's wrong, Rei-chan? Can't you hear me?"

 _Keep reading._ The corner of Rei's eye twitched as Nagisa began poking him incessantly. "Helloooooo? Earth to Rei-chan! Your book must be _really_ good if you can't even say _hello…"_

Rei sighed. It was useless. He had never won against Nagisa's persistence before, and it seemed that maybe he never would. "Good morning, Nagisa."

Nagisa's face shined as if Rei's simple greeting equated being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. "Good morning!" he repeated, hopping to his other side. Rei closed his book and returned it to his bag. " _So,_ Rei-chan. We should go somewhere after school today!"

"Somewhere?" Rei inquired with a raised eyebrow, staring down at the enthusiastic blonde.

"Liiiiike the library! Or my house! Or _your_ house! We can get _really intimate_ if we go to your house…" Nagisa teasingly trailed his fingers down Rei's chest, giggling. His antics were only met with an impatient sigh from Rei.

"I can't, I have a very important exam to study for. And I suggest you do the same. How are your grades looking lately?"

Nagisa's expression broke for just a fraction of a second. It almost looked like he was offended, or hurt. But no, that couldn't have been it... Nagisa didn't have a sad bone in his body. He must have just- ….well. That couldn't have been it. "Umm, actually pretty terrible! You should _tutor_ me, Rei-chan." He clung to Rei's arm and rubbed his head against it, gazing up at him with the roundest, most pleading eyes possible and batting his eyelashes. Sometimes his cuteness could give puppies a run for their money.

But Rei was immune to his charms. "On second thought, I think I'm going to run to school today. I'll see you at practice, Nagisa." Adjusting his glasses with one hand while simultaneously shifting his backpack higher up on his shoulder, Rei wriggled out of Nagisa's grasp and set off down the road at a sprint.

"You're not wearing your running clothes, silly Rei-chan-!" Nagisa called after his retreating form. Rei didn't hear him, anyway; his voice had come out feeble, cracking at the last syllables. The arm he had stretched out in an attempt to grab Rei fell to his side, and the rest of his demeanor broke along with his voice. His eyes were still sparkling, but instead of with mischievous affection, tears gave them their shine. The bus arrived at the station soon after, but Nagisa did not get on; he turned and ran the opposite way of the school.

"Nagisa isn't here today?!"

The Iwatobi swim team had assembled for their daily practice, except not everyone was present. It took Gou but a second to acknowledge that the smallest, yet questionably most noticeable, member of their team was missing.

"I didn't see him around campus today…" Makoto answered. He glanced around as if expecting Nagisa to jump out from behind a corner any time now. Gou furrowed her eyebrows, pinching her chin between her pointer finger and thumb.

"That's strange, he would have texted one of us if he wasn't coming in today…. Rei!" she suddenly snapped. "Where is he?"

Rei's posture jolted upright, a flustered blush swamping across his cheeks. Gou was the first person to suspect a little bit of an _intimate_ relationship between him and Nagisa, and he knew it. "Why do you assume I know?! …well, I… _did_ wait for the bus with him this morning…" He loosened up a little and mirrored Gou's concerned stance. "Although, I left him before it arrived, and haven't seen him since."

"Oh, I have an idea!" Makoto chimed in as the team stood in bewilderment (all except for Haru, who had already changed and dove into the pool with or without Nagisa). He smiled encouragingly. "I can check his blog, and see if he posted anything about skipping school or being sick today!"

"…Nagisa has a blog?" Haru commented from the pool, one eyebrow raised half-interestedly.

"You mean he doesn't ramble on about it to you?" Rei sighed, shaking his head. "He's constantly showing me posts of little animals and other various 'cute' things he finds on there… It gets a little bothersome."

Makoto only laughed, optimistic as ever. "Well, last week his phone died so he borrowed mine to update it, and never logged out… So, I snooped a little bit. It's actually a pretty quality blog!" He slid his cell phone out of his pocket and opened up the internet. Haru returned to swimming and Rei and Gou waited impatiently to see if Nagisa had, by some slim chance, posted anything online concerning his absence.

When the blog loaded, all three of their expressions twisted and fell into horror.

The most recent item on the blog was a text post, simply reading, "I did it. Again." Following that were several quotes regarding the concepts of death, suicide, and other grievous topics. It seemed that the farther down they scrolled, the darker the contents of the blog were; lyrics and music videos to sad songs, both poignant and gory photos, demeaning pictures of things like "THE PAIN DOESN'T STOP" and "LIFE IS MEANINGLESS" written on walls and forearms. Then, as if representing the climax of the agony, another text post, this one flagged as personal. With a shaking finger, Makoto opened it. "I messed up again. I can't escape… So I'll have to be punished…."

The air was stale as they stood in a dull silence, hearts and heads pounding. "…are you… positive this is _Nagisa's_ blog?" Rei eventually whispered. He asked, even though he knew the answer. He had recognized all of the cutesy pixels in his profile description at the top of the blog; the description which read: _"HI EVERYONE! My name is Nagisa and I promise I love you all! I love all things fun and cute, and I hope we can be friends! P.S. I follow back~!"_ followed by numerous positive emojis.

…it seemed like a disgustingly unfitting portrayal of what was being posted.

"…maybe, his account was hacked…?" Gou offered weakly, peeling her eyes away from the screen.

Makoto and Rei remained grimly silent. As completely mind-boggling and illogical as this was… It made perfect sense. They had always thought that nobody could possibly be as consistently peppy as Nagisa… Still, they dismissed his personality as strange, not _suspicious._

"Well, should… Should we talk to him-? He's got to be going through a lot…" Makoto suggested worriedly. "I could call him-"

"No," Rei interjected. While Gou and Makoto appeared terribly concerned and confused, neither of their expressions was nearly as morose as Rei's. His eyes were dark and gazing at nothing, his heart beating either too fast or not fast enough. _I did it. Again._ Did what? And how many times was it considered to be "again"? One didn't need to be excessively creative to think of what Nagisa could have done after seeing the things he had been posting, and the very thought of it made Rei's stomach churn. "Don't call; I'm going to go talk to him myself. In person." He turned to Gou, bowing low in apology. "Please excuse me." With that, he sprinted off at a pace that didn't match his desolate aura.

"…Haru, get out of the pool. Practice is cancelled for today," Gou called quietly after a moment of heavy silence. Haru could sense the atmosphere. He pulled himself out of the water without a word of protest; he had never obeyed so easily.

Rei knew the way to Nagisa's house quite well, as he spent a fair deal of time there. He was able to manage his time well enough so that as long as there wasn't _too_ much studying to be done, he could squeeze in a visit to Nagisa's place at least twice a week. …never had he gotten any inclination that something terrible was happening inside those walls. Was there something going on behind the scenes? Did his parents neglect him? Abuse him? Were his sisters overly cruel to him? But maybe his family wasn't the fruit of his problems… Was he bullied at school? Online? _What_ was giving Nagisa these awful feelings?

He knocked feverishly on the front door once he sprinted up Nagisa's porch. No response. There weren't any cars in the driveway; his family must not be home. But, surely Nagisa himself was… If he wasn't home, where could he be? Rei wishfully twisted the doorknob, and to his fortune, it turned.

"Nagisa!" Rei shouted breathlessly as he dashed inside. His legs burned from running all the way there, but he was oblivious to the pain as he scaled the stairs. Right now, he was working on autopilot, focusing only on his goal: finding Nagisa, and learning what the _hell_ was wrong with him.

"Nagisa!" he repeated at the top of the steps. Rei knew very well which room was Nagisa's, and pounded on the door. "Nagisa, are you home?" Silence. Biting his lip, Rei shook the doorknob just as fervently as he had the one on the front door, except this time, it didn't budge. Locked. He was familiar, though, with a trick Nagisa had taught him for a reason he couldn't recall: even when the doors in his house were locked, if they were twisted and pulled _just_ the right way, they would open… Sure enough, with a jiggle and a tug, the lock clicked and the door fell open. Rei tumbled inside. "Nagisa-!"

He was there, just as Rei had hoped. Yet at the same time… the sight of him filled Rei with despair. He was curled up in the fetal position on his bed, looking smaller than ever. It was obvious from his empty, puffy eyes and the red welts on his cheeks that he had been crying. His skin was unnaturally pale. And worst of all, Rei realized after scrutinizing him in horror for a few moments, blood was steadily streaming from his arm.

Nagisa noticed Rei's presence inattentively, as one would notice they'd left the window open a crack. He hummed shortly under his breath and heaved himself into an upright position. The smile he forced was small, and completely unnerving to look at. "Hi there, Rei-chan! I'm sorry I didn't go to practice today, I wasn't feeling good…"

Rei's mouth felt dry. There Nagisa was, bleeding and half dead-looking, yet he still attempted to feign cheeriness. In his drained state, though, it was obvious he hadn't the energy to even pretend to be _energetic,_ and the effort only made him seem closer to collapsing. Was that all his bouncy personality was? An act? Was he normally this…. Empty shell? This anguished form?

"Never mind that-!" Rei managed to choke out, his eyes wide behind his glasses and his knees locked. "You're _bleeding!"_

"Hm?" Nagisa glanced casually down at his arm. His fake smile stretched wider. "It's okay, Rei-chan! It's only a scratch!"

But Rei ignored this. Forcing himself to move, he stumbled as quickly as he could into Nagisa's private bathroom, searching frantically for a cloth to wet, some bandages, and anything else to help with Nagisa's wound. Once he found what he needed, he hurried back into the room and kneeled on Nagisa's bedroom. His fingers moved nimbly despite his panicked state of mind, and soon stopped the bleeding and wrapped it up with a bandage. Nagisa just stared emptily at him as he worked. He didn't protest, nor did he thank him.

"…Nagisa. Did you do this to yourself?" he demanded gently after a moment of silence. It was a horrid thought, but he needed to know. He was sure that if he only glanced around, he'd see if there were any sharp objects Nagisa could have used to inflict this upon himself, but he preferred to ask directly.

He didn't immediately receive a reply. "…Nagisa… Please. Tell me. And don't lie," he urged.

Finally he got a nod out of him.

It was the answer he had expected, and yet it hurt just as badly to realize his terrible hypothesis was correct. "…why?" was his next question.

Again, it took Nagisa a moment to answer. He avoided Rei's eye as he spoke. "…um… I thought if I let it bleed, I might um… Die."

Rei knew that Nagisa knew that his "why" had been a more general statement, referring not only to why he was letting himself bleed. He knew Rei wanted to ask why it was he wanted to die, and that his response would only make Rei more concerned.

His expression broke and he began to sob.

"….Nagisa…" Rei pulled Nagisa into his arms as gingerly as possible. What on earth was going on? The Nagisa he knew would only cry if he didn't get something he wanted, and even those would be illegitimate crocodile tears. Seeing him sobbing after admitting he wanted to die was…. Unreal. "Nagisa, why do you want to die? You can tell me," Rei whispered. He wasn't sure if this was the proper way to address these cirumstances, but he wanted to know.

"…I… I hate myself," Nagisa choked out. He didn't even attempt to accept nor reject Rei's comforting embrace; only lay there limp in his arms.

"Why do you hate yourself?" Rei wasn't sure if it was right to pry; what if it was worsening the situation? Still, he couldn't help himself.

"…lots… and lots… of reasons," Nagisa murmured through his tears. Just when it seemed like he wouldn't say anything more, he swallowed and started to talk. "…I'm tiny. I've always been really tiny. The kids in school have always made fun… C-call me a little princess, ask when, my boobs are gonna grow in. Sometimes, they um… They would pull my pants down to see if I really was a boy, and shove me in lockers… That happened a lot. In elementary school, but mostly in middle school…

"My parents aren't ever around and my sisters only talk to me if it's to put me in girly clothes. So… If my family doesn't even love me, why should I, y'know?"

Rei was speechless. All these awful things Nagisa had to endure…. He had no idea. How was he supposed to respond to this dreadful news…? But it seemed he didn't need to think of a response, anyway, because after a few more short sobs, Nagisa spoke up again. "In um… In middle school… I started doing drugs." Rei's jaw dropped incredulously at this. "Well- I tried to," Nagisa corrected himself. He sniffed hard. "I took some meth, once… I heard it would make me feel better, take me away. …but it was scary. I got really confused, I couldn't think, my body felt really hot… So I never did it again. I would steal weed, cigarettes, even a dose of heroin, but every time I tried to use it, I just got really scared and stopped."

"Well, that's a good thing-!" Rei sputtered, trying to give a reassuring smile.

"No it's not," Nagisa insisted immediately. "It just showed what a _wimp_ I really am… That I am just a little baby… …so I got really mad at myself. I needed to... punish myself… So I um…. Started, to cut. It hurts really bad… It stings… Even though I make them really light, so they heal before swim practice… But, that makes me happy. 'Cause, I know… I deserve the suffering…"

Rei was at an utter loss for words. This was the complete opposite of the Nagisa he came to know and love… …. _love…_ The thought should have made his heart flutter, yet it only filled him with dread. He loved Nagisa- he knew that, now- and now this hidden side of him was surfacing, and he wondered if he had fallen in love with someone that wasn't even real. "….you don't deserve it," Rei whispered feebly.

"Yes I _do!"_ Nagisa raised his arm now, swatting it weakly at Rei's chest and letting his hand linger there as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to shove him or hold him close. He shut his eyes tightly, tears continuing to leak out. "I shouldn't even be _alive._ I was an accident, my parents told me so! They didn't want me! I-I'm not even a good swimmer, the swim team doesn't need me, and my grades are really bad so I won't even get into college… My only reason for living is so I can suffer, and I'm _done!_ I'm done _suffering!"_

If he tried to comfort Nagisa, Rei got a feeling that he'd only be rejected. So, in the heat of the moment, he started shouting, too. He took Nagisa by the shoulders, his eyes wide and frantic. This caused a small gasp from Nagisa, and made his eyes open; he hadn't expected Rei to grab him. The tears stopped streaming down his cheeks and his entire body tensed. "Do you love me, Nagisa?"

Nagisa was frozen. In his fit of distress, it didn't even occur to him that he might be upsetting Rei. His sweet, precious Rei-chan… He stole a glance into his violet eyes and saw that he was just as upset as Nagisa was, but for different reasons. He gave a slight nod to his head.

"And do you want me to upset me? Disregard all feelings of hatred you have for yourself, and think just of me right now. Do you want to make me irreversibly, painstakingly sad? _"_ Rei feared he was being too harsh with Nagisa, too selfish, though it seemed to be working: although his body still quaked, the tears had come to a complete halt, and he seemed to have lost the desire to yell.

Now, Nagisa always had the semblance of a puppy. A sprightly, energized puppy, eagerly nipping at your heels and licking your face. At the moment, however, he looked like a puppy left in a shelter: beaten, confused, and sad. He shook his head.

"Then… Stop this. Please stop this."

Nagisa stayed silent.

Breathing heavily, Rei's shoulders slumped. Being a little rough had proven to be effective, but maybe it would be best to return to being gentle… He took a deep breath and tried to cool down; at least one of them needed to be calm in this situation.

"Nagisa…You understand that I don't hate you, right?" he murmured, resting his hands on Nagisa's biceps. "That as angry as I get with you, I'm actually in… in love with you?"

Nagisa stared down at his lap. "…you're just saying that. To make me feel better."

"No!" Rei countered instantaneously. "…no. There would be no sense in that. In the event that you find out that I'm lying, you'd become even more depressed. I mean it, Nagisa… I love you. If you died, I…" Rei closed his eyes tightly, unable to even think of such things. "It... hurts me enough knowing you do these awful things to yourself. If I had known, I wouldn't have allowed it to get this bad… So I'm going to help you now."

He made this vow without thinking it through, yet he didn't mean it any less. Nagisa needed help, _badly._ And he was determined to give it to him. But how-? He racked his brain for some potential solution, anything that could be of help. Then suddenly it came to him, from the part of his mind that contained memories that seemed to be of unimportance: the perfect thing. He reopened his eyes and gazed down at Nagisa's face.

"…I recall an article I stumbled across online, once, regarding this topic. It was a coping method… You see, what you do is doodle a butterfly on your skin with a marker, where you tend to cut yourself. Then, you name the butterfly after someone important to you. Someone you love… So, whenever you begin to cut yourself, you see that little butterfly, and know that if you cut it, it will die. If you really care about the person you've named it after… You wouldn't want to kill them, right?"

Nagisa gave a subtle shake to his head, staring dazedly at his lap. "…no… I wouldn't want Rei-chan to die," he whispered. Rei's eyes widened slightly. Even after basically forcing Nagisa to admit that he loved him, he didn't actually expect Nagisa to immediately think of him when asked to name someone important to him… Though, once he thought about it, it made the most sense. A light blush rose to his cheeks. "…it's going to be alright, Nagisa. Okay? You don't have to suffer anymore. You're going to love yourself just as much as I love you. …and that's quite a lot."

Nagisa didn't say anything, but a tiny, legitimate smile turned on the corners of his lips. "…Rei… Can you stay with me for a while?"

"Of course I can, Nagisa."

Nagisa finally returned Rei's embrace. They sat silently wrapped in each other's arms until Nagisa, utterly exhausted, drifted off to sleep.

"Rei-chan!"

Rei's head snapped up from the book he held in his hands. He hadn't been able to focus on reading it, anyway; his thoughts were preoccupied and he hadn't gotten much sleep last night, after returning home from Nagisa's house. Now, the reason for his distraction and insomnia was running toward him, waving his arms with a big smile on his face. This was the demeanor Nagisa always had about him- carefree, youthful, excited. But Rei felt his heart pang, knowing that this cheerfulness had always been an act. …still, in this instance, something about his grin seemed more… genuine.

"Look, Rei-chan!" Beaming, Nagisa spoke up again before Rei could even greet him, or question if he was alright to return to school so soon after his breakdown. He slid up the sleeves to his uniform. What he revealed made Rei's eyes widen practically out of their sockets, and his book fell to the ground.

There was not just one tiny butterfly on Nagisa's arm, as Rei had envisioned when he gave him the idea. Up and down both arms were _flocks_ of little butterfly doodles. His wrists, his forearms, even a few on the tops of his arms; everything was covered, like shirt sleeves. Seeing that he had so many places that he tended to cut himself gave Rei mixed feelings: it was terrifying that he hurt himself so much, yet also reassuring to know that he never would again.

"…I'm so proud of you," Rei breathed. He gave a soft, relieved smile, and rested his palm against Nagisa's cheek. Nagisa leaned into his touch and smiled as if he couldn't receive any higher praise.

"Trying so hard makes me really tired… So, I think it'll be easier to just _actually_ be happy," he decided with a conclusive nod.

"That is an _excellent_ idea." Rei's smile faltered slightly, and his face flushed. Should he, or shouldn't he-? …he decided he should. Leaning down to Nagisa's height, he pressed a quick kiss to one of his cheeks. A squeak escaped Nagisa's lips and his demeanor changed completely; changed, but didn't fall. Instead, he just looked a little flustered, and shyly pleased. He stood on his toes and gave Rei a peck on _his_ cheek, with a quiet giggle. Rei's smile returned.

"…you know, I don't particularly feel like taking the bus today. I'm going to run."

Nagisa smiled a soft, gentle smile. Tears twinkled in his eyes, but he wasn't sad. Not anymore. "I'll try to keep up," he promised.

But they didn't run. They walked, side by side, chatting lightheartedly about any topic that came to mind. In the back of his head, Rei still yearned to ask Nagisa so many questions. Nonetheless, he refrained, and saved them for another time. Nagisa needed some time to heal before the subject could be touched upon again without triggering anything terrible.

… _but what if,_ Rei couldn't help but wonder, _he couldn't heal?_ What if this was only a temporary relief, and one day he brought a blade to his skin again, even if it meant killing the little Rei-chans on his body? Rei glanced down at their hands. At one point along the way, their fingers had intertwined; Rei couldn't recall when. …no, he wouldn't relapse. Things were going to get better.

Rei gave Nagisa's hand a squeeze, and Nagisa squeezed his right back. _Things were going to get better._


End file.
